Staying desperate for You God

It was so odd today. I had no idea why God refused to give me the conviction I was asking for. 'God, it's for Your Kingdom, why not?'

And He reminded me. 

I remembered Mary. 

I recalled the prayers I've been making and more than half of them were asking God to empower me with power from on high to do His work. 

The remaining were largely proclamation, seeking His providence. 

I realized that I've been seeking the gifts more than the Giver. 

When we experience victories and others are encouraged, we might desire more breakthroughs to testify to His goodness. All these are good, but not when we fail to check our hearts: testify, for what? 

I was taken aback when God revealed to me my mixed motives. 'Are you sure it's just for Me?' 

You know it's so subtle. It started with good intentions to lift Him high. But slowly, vanity creeped in. And I did not manage to crucify it in time. It grew and to my horror, it actually stood between me and God today. 

But I thank God that I received this revelation. The teaching by Daniel Kolenda felt like God saying, 'Child, just come back to Me now.'

Yes, Lord. 

Let it be, and always be, for You alone.