Why not create hunger?

After a number of encounters, I think it will be good to share about my decision of not landing in Taiwan to avoid further speculation haha

"It all started with two statements a leader made very strongly during a discussion haha. He said, "Don't go for long-term missions just because it's a natural progression of the church. .... If you don't have a strong conviction from God, your (long-term) mission trip will certainly fail." That really shook me and tbh, I was seriously. freaking. out. cause I suddenly realized I didn't have that kind of conviction he was talking about. I went home to think about everything and I realised that from April (when I was first asked to tag along for the Taiwan STM) to July, I had just been flowing along with what the leaders were planning and I didn't really give much thought to whether or not it's sth I was truly convicted to do. If it's the me in 2015, I would say I was truly convicted and I was ready to go any time. However, the me in July 2016 was rather different; I didn't have the same level of conviction. Instead, I realised that my heart was growing for the poor, the homeless and serving in a street healing ministry. I couldn't comprehend the change. I began to wonder if there's anything wrong with me, like was I not doing well. So after struggling for two days, I couldn't take it anymore so I asked my leader if he had time for lunch and asked him about the stuff he said. Got to understand what he meant by 'natural progression of the church' and after sharing with him and his wife about the difference in my convictions, the latter began to share about how when she first started serving in a particular ministry, she thought that she would be focused on doing that but some time later, she realised that she had a stronger conviction in serving in another ministry. She was questioned by her shepherd then (like I thought you said you wanted to do this then how come suddenly change) and she told her that as much as she couldn't fully understand, she assured her shepherd that she's constantly in prayer and hearing from God. She also added that "if God really wants you somewhere, I'm sure He will lead you there." After hearing these from her, I was a lot more at ease cause I was reminded of Jonah too; of how God wanted him at Nineveh, how he tried to run away, and how God led him there eventually. 

So after the meeting with them, I asked to meet another leader and shared with him what I was going through. Told him that I didn't want to make a emotional decision and asked for more time to pray and think through. He was understanding and I told him that I'd give him an answer after the August STM. So throughout the time of praying, there was one day I was like God, really, please just tell me if You want me to go Taiwan for LTM or not; I really want to hear from You clearly and make a decision that pleases you. So at that moment, God just asked me, "If you go, who are you going for?" And I was like, woah. That was when I truly asked myself that question, and realised that "Yeah... if I really go, I'd be going for my leaders.." It felt like if I had gone, I'd feel more like I was just sent to fulfil a task, and not so much of a thing I really wanted to do then.. And I just wanna add that I'm really serious about God and His kingdom. I truly, truly want to honour and obey Him in the decisions I make. And I'm very thankful for the many divine appointments He has created from the start of 2016 until now; how He's been equipping me,  how He's sent many people who are experienced in various aspects that were foreign to me to guide me along etc."

Hope this clears many doubts haha. 

2016 was really a year of learning and I'm more than grateful for the journey God has brought me through. SMBC was life changing in some ways, and I never knew how powerful sharing testimonies (or being tagged in them lol) on social media could be until pre-believing friends (and even relatives during cny) approached me and show interest in what I'm doing and even in my faith, esp those who seem to have it all and feel Christianity is just a crutch. 

So instead of force feeding the gospel / teachings, why not create hunger?